Purging

Have you ever gone into the bathroom at the end of the day, looked into the mirror, and thought, “I really need to scrub my face clean”? Then you get a washcloth and some soap and some warm water and you scrub and scrub and then dry your face and you feel better. Right now, I’m looking at my house and going, “I really need to scrub this house.” Not just clean it but clear it. Get rid of all the unwanted things that are cluttering up my life and have just built up into piles I can’t do anything with and so I just leave there.

A purging.

I’ll start with books and clothes. They’re the easier to get out of my life. Donate some away, sell some off, figure out what to do with the limited piles I have left. It’s getting out of hand. I always just let things build up instead of paring down to the things I want and letting the rest go in one way or another. I want to cut out a significant pile of stuff from my life. I don’t need it. I want it gone.

I also need to get rid of boxes. I’m a worrier when it comes to buying things. I tend to buy things and keep the boxes in case I have to return them. It happens every once in a long while but my box collection has gotten out of hand. I still have the box for the paper shredder I bought two years ago. The warranty’s long past and the shredder still works fine. I don’t need the box taking up space.

I like having nice things, collections of books, nice clothes. The problem is I don’t know when to get rid of anything so stuff builds up over time. I need to learn to let go. It’s time to simplify my life, find a better way to get to what I need instead of having to dig through piles of stuff I ignore or just am not interested in any more. It’s about getting these things to people who could use them, who want them, who can make better use of them.
Then I need to get the remaining things in order so it’s easier to find them when I need them. Order to the chaos. It’s also about using what I’ve been meaning to use, reading what I’ve been meaning to read, wearing what I’ve been meaning to wear. I don’t want to hoard my life and I won’t. Not that I’m anywhere close to being that bad. I can see how people could get that bad, though. Attach significance to the littlest of things, remember the story for everything, let the things from your life build and build and build around you. Stacks and piles of the history of your life close at hand. I like the stuff that I have but I need to learn to let it go. The rest will be stronger memories because of this purging, this cleansing. Plus it’ll be easier to clean and dust. Double victory!

Constructive Criticism

I got several good reviews of my game. They’re not very high reviews, either. Two and three stars out of five. I wasn’t terribly happy about that but it was my first Twine game. I went through and read the reviews and discovered something interesting.

The people who reviewed my game left constructive criticism!

Imagine! On the internet, someone left a review and critique that was helpful. Both reviews made excellent points, pointed out things I could’ve done better, and complimented things I did well. I’m awestruck! I’m making note of what the reviewers said so I can improve next time. This makes me very happy! I’ve got some good, constructive criticism that will help me improve in the future with my next game (already in development).

I’ve been reading and playing a lot of Twine games and getting a feel for how the stories are laid out and written. I’m learning more about Twine and some of the additions out there to make my games better. I’m working on my next game, coming up with new ideas and working my way around my old limitations and failings. These reviews will help me get a good handle on what I need to improve as well as what I do well already. I never quite know what I do well at and what I need to improve upon. I tend to work in a vacuum where not a lot of outside opinion and critique enters. Getting good reviews of my work is a great stepping stone!

I guess I just expected nobody would play my game or review it if they did. I’ve had similar experiences with other creative endeavors. I know I shouldn’t depend on the opinions and views of others but it’s nice to hear something, even if it isn’t the greatest news. It’s good to know what I need to work on, how I can improve, what needs work. It’s nice to receive compliments, too. 😀

Vacation End

A little sadness always wells up at the end of a vacation. I always wish the good times could go on forever. I know that the everyday things make up our lives and that fun times are all the sweeter because they’re rare. I know that. It doesn’t make it easier when it ends. It’s not like my job is torture. It’s not. I like the people I work with and the work that I do. I suppose it comes back to the patterns of living, the routine I get into over time. I get used to sleeping in and playing around all day and the pattern shifts when work resumes. Or maybe I’m just feeling weird because I’m digesting and that tends to put me in strange moods sometimes.

Sundays really aren’t my day anyways. Sometime around mid-afternoon into the evening I get down. I’ve written about it before, Sunday Blues and all that. The best way to fight it is with work, with doing things that make something of a difference. Clean, straighten, organize, dispose, renew.

I have an idea that perked me up a little tonight. I had it while we were cooking dinner. It’s… No, I can’t tell you. I think it would be better if I let that sleeping dog lie for a little while longer. I’ll let you know what it is at the right time, in the right context. I don’t want to give it away too soon.

Anyways, I’ve got dishes that need doing and things that need straightening. It’s the best cure for the Sunday Blues, after all! I think physical activity is one of the best treatments for depression ever. It does double duty by cleansing depression from your system and giving you a relatively mindless task you can do to improve things in your surroundings. I think I’ll run tomorrow, to burn off a little more. I’ve got to boil off the old sadness to make room for some joy, some laughter, some excitement! The vacation is over, now it’s back to life for a little while until the next vacation, the next long weekend. It’s all good!

Building the Base

I need to start slow. You have to crawl before you can walk but I want to do gymnastics before I crawl. I’ve always been like this with new interests. I want to do world-changing things but I barely know the basics. So I’m starting slow, building my skills, learning what I need to learn before I go too far. I always go too far. I over think and try to do too much, go too far, when I don’t have a good base to come back to. That base is what I’m building right now, what I’m learning.

I have to learn to crawl and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. It’s great to want to fly but it’s just not possible yet. I have to read more, study more, memorize a lot more. Memory is key at this point. Memory is always key. I’m getting there, though. One bit at a time, hand over hand. It’s going to be fun, I know it is. I just have to keep working at it.

My biggest block is forgetfulness. I get a feeling for something, an interest, and I pursue it. It encompasses everything for a while, every waking moment. That feeling fades, like most interests do, until eventually I forget the interest itself. It falls by the wayside, something I only know a bit about and was fascinated with for a little while. I don’t want to do that here. I want to keep going. I want to learn more, to actually make something someone can enjoy from it and use that to continue on, to keep making interesting and fun things.

To get past my block I need a habit. I need to get in the habit of doing something with my interest every day. It’s how I built up to writing every day. I have to do research, practice, make a habit of wanting to know more and do more every day until it sticks. I have to feed my interest, build it into an obsession I can control. It’s not a bad thing, not a scary thing. I don’t want this to go by the wayside. I didn’t want my writing to fall by the wayside and it never did. I built a good foundation and developed from there. Now I need to do the same with my new interest, build a good base I can operate from. It’s just a matter of time and effort. Now, I’m off to apply this effort to building that base and making something! Woo!

Becoming

Have you ever wanted to transplant yourself into someone else’s life for a little while? Maybe someone wildly rich and famous? Have you ever wanted to walk a mile in someone elses’ shoes, literally? Sometimes I wonder if I have it better or worse than other people. I’d like to think I have it just about the same as everyone else. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. Life’s a crap shoot for everyone.

So what would it be like, being someone else? The lady at the checkout at the grocery store. The guy driving past with his music thumping. The head of a major corporation. That bum pulling his cart down the sidewalk. An airline pilot. A sommelier. A professional traveller. A food critic. A pro wrestler. A ship captain.

Keep in mind, I’m not talking about doing these jobs. I’m talking about completely becoming that person. The physical body, the bank account, the job, the vehicle, the thought processes, the whole thing. What if you could be anyone but you had to completely transition over to being them? Would you rather have your thoughts? What about your friends? Your car? Would you be willing to give up everything you have to become someone else, stuff, body, mind, and soul?

While it’s nice to consider, I don’t believe I’d like to become someone else. Even with all the failings and troubles in my life, I wouldn’t want to change into something I wouldn’t recognize, something wholly not me. I’m perfectly happy being myself, thanks very much.

Travel

I want to see new things and new places. I want to explore. Even if it’s just in my state, I want to explore. I want to find out everything I can and experience new things. I haven’t travelled much these last few years. I’m so busy, so caught up in my routine, that I never really go anywhere. I want to change that. Parks, landmarks, friends I haven’t seen in a long time or don’t see regularly, famous places, unique places, I want to see them all. I want to go to beautiful and odd places. I want to find things I’ve never found and see oddities I never even considered.

The world isn’t that big a place. It’s big, sure, but it’s not so big you can’t experience all of it for yourself eventually. A four- or five-hour drive isn’t that bad and a night stay at a hotel or a campground isn’t that expensive. See the world! I’m going to. Family and friends aren’t that far away. New things, unique places, new experiences, all just a drive away.

We get so caught up in our own little patch we forget there’s a whole world of new experiences out there just waiting for us. It’s easy to immerse yourself in your routine, in the day-to-day grind of work/eat/sleep. There’s a reason it’s called the daily grind. It wears away at your heart and your soul. It has to be done to make the money to enjoy the grand experiences but it’s not the entirety of life. I’d rather die in debt and live a great life than die rich and have nothing to show for it.

Speaking of riches… You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. People tend to think they have to spend and spend to enjoy themselves. Sure, there are lots of great things worth spending money on, but they’re not the only things. There are parks and the wonder of nature, famous landmarks and the feeling of standing in important points in history, the graves of famous people, visiting and wandering around famous cities, and visiting friends you haven’t seen in a while for the sheer joy of it. Travel isn’t just about going to wildly expensive exotic locales and paying boatloads of money for expensive experiences. Sometimes it’s just about going somewhere new and different and a little exciting and seeing what happens. It’s about the new, the different. It’s about invigorating your life by injecting the world straight into your veins. The world is wonderful. I’m going to go experience it. You should too.

Stress Release

Stress has been the topic of the last few weeks. Stress and stress removal. Things have been shifting back and forth between being completely stressed out and being completely relaxed. Full tilt to full rest. Sleep, when it comes, is sporadic and always ends awkwardly. It frequently ends with spikes of stress and anger and disappointment. There are plenty of ways to get to sleep. What can help you wake up correctly? The stress seemed endless for weeks. Nothing to do but wait on others to do what they needed to do. The source of the stress ended today, finally bringing an end to weeks of frustration, anger, depression, and pressure. Will sleep come? Will it end happily or awkwardly?

Exercise has felt pointless. Writing was just the same things repeating over and over, an endless stream of anger and frustration. It wasn’t even therapeutic, just annoying and saddening. There wasn’t any escape from the stress. All my typical relief valves were cut off. Nothing to do but let it build and build.

Tomorrow I will run and I will write. It’s time to flush this stress out of my system. Burn it away, write it down, capture it, contain it, and crush it. There’s always a way to flush the stress. The more I wash away, the more I burn off, the more I release, the better I’ll feel.

I don’t always realize how much stress I store up within myself. We’re supposed to be like wires, letting the stress flow through us and not holding onto it. Instead we’re like batteries, letting it build up and releasing it slowly. Too much stress coming in and we start to break down rather than dumping as much as we can. We have to find a way to release our stress, to give it form and function and use. Otherwise it starts to eat us.

The Generation of Repair

This is the generation of repair. Somehow everyone I know have needed extensive repairs of one kind or another recently. Bathrooms, a/c units, heaters, cars, homes in general. Repair work has become so commonplace, everyone having to hire someone to get extensive work done. How did we all reach the point we have to make such extensive changes and fixes?

Is it because we don’t know how to do things like extensive carpentry or plumbing or repair work any more? I can’t even build a box out of wood. I’ve never really done any carpentry or plumbing. I’ve done small things like replace washers or snake out a drain but I seriously doubt I could replace the plumbing in my house and get it up to code. I don’t even know the specifics on how you’d go about finding out what the codes are.

Is it because we’re lazy? It’s easier to hire someone to do work than it is to find out what kind of parts we need, get all the equipment to get the work done, find the time to do it, find out how to do it, do it, figure out what we screwed up the first time because we’ve never done this before, do it again, and then hope it’s right and it doesn’t cause any more issues. We’re more interested in being comfortable and lazy than getting dirty and wrestling with pipes or plywood on our days off.

Is it because we’re perfectionists? Would we rather pay a lot to have it done and done right and not go the cheap route and hope it’s done sufficiently? Is it that it’s easier to pay more and blame someone else if it goes wrong than do it inexpensively ourselves and have no one else but ourselves to blame?

Is it because these things are in the realm of the professionals now? Is plumbing complex enough and the building codes strict enough that it really is something we need to hire an expert for? Or is that just what they want us to think so we keep paying them? Or are professionals only needed when massive, major repair work is at hand and we’re using them for things we could easily do ourselves?

I’d like to do something different. Maybe I’m just being affected by what’s going on with me, maybe I’m just odd and slightly obsessing over maintenance, but I want to learn how to fix my home. I want to learn how to build things out of wood, how to replace plumbing, how to fix floors, how to replace gutters, how to fix things others did cheaply and do it better, how to make my home more comfortable and right. I want to fix things that have plagued me, little things and big things and cheap things and things that I think are expensive but may not actually be expensive and things that really are expensive.

I think I’ll be checking out some books in the near future. I think I’ll be visiting lots of home improvement places around town soon. I think I’ll be doing something I’ve never done before very, very soon: I’m going to build a box. I don’t even know how to build a box out of wood. I never took wood shop in school. No, wait, I had a shop class when I was in junior high. I don’t remember what we were supposed to build in there. I don’t remember doing anything in there. I want to build something, want to fix everything, want to learn a new skill I can use to make my life easier. I can spend a little money trying to fix it myself and then hire the professionals if it turns out it is far more complex than I thought or more damaged. I want to learn to improve my world, to take a better place in the generation of repair.

Friends Versus Fevers

There’s something wonderful about a large group of friends you’ve known for a while and get on well with. They’re the best kind of antidepressant I’ve ever run across. Intelligent, capable people who will listen to your gripes, help you come up with solutions, and then help you take your mind off your problems, they’re the best kind of people. Cathartic.

I’ve dealt with some heavy issues recently. Those issues haven’t gone away with time. Indeed, they’ve only gotten worse, a fever that continues to rise. It affected my sleep. It hindered my work. It stained my interactions with people. The fever rose and rose, more and more things building up and skewing my life into a harsh and troubling place. My mind was having fever dreams, thoughts and ideas and conflicts and emotions all roiling and boiling in my brain. There was no succor for my mind, for my troubles, for my issues.

Or so I thought.

The fever broke today. The mass of issues came to a head and then popped, not unlike a zit. Popped and bled and hurt and was completely gross. Then the cleanup began. Like having a fever, the fever breaking doesn’t signal the end of the sickness. You’re still sick even after the fever’s gone. The sickness is still here, still holding on, still threatening to come back just as strong. It’s not over until it’s over.

Visiting with friends, having a good time, chatting, hanging out, venting, laughing, explaining, it was cathartic. It helped the healing process. I know it’s not over yet but a different kind of fever broke with the visit with my friends. A fever of the soul. All these issues have affected me deep inside, infecting my soul. The infection spread and spread with each troubling day until I could hardly think for it. Last night I was up until four a.m., unable to sleep, the thoughts tumbling in my head. I woke at seven a.m. and it was like I’d never slept. The more I chatted and laughed and visited with my friends, the more my soul healed.

Sufficiently bolstered, healed, patched up, and invigorated, I do believe I’ll be ready to get things in order and progressing this week. The fever’s gone and now the real healing can begin. My soul’s good to go, now for the rest of me!

Finding Silver

Nothing’s over until it’s over. There’s always the possibility something could crop up again, pop up out of the woodwork when you least expect it. I’ve tried being an optimist but it hasn’t worked out too well for me recently. Optimism doesn’t help. It can give you a good feeling going forward but it doesn’t really help. I’ve started having trouble believing things are going to get any better. Pessimism feels more realistic, more practical. Part of me still hopes things will go well but the rest of me has serious, well justified doubts.

How do you get past pessimism? That would require a bit of faith in people and the world. History has shown that everyone is fallible in some way or another, at some point or another. I’m liable to fluctuate back and forth between optimism and pessimism fairly regularly. Times when I should be optimistic I’m pessimistic. Times when I really should be a pessimist, my optimism shoves its way in.

The best I can get now is silver. Linings, that is. I’m trying to look for the good in dark situations. It’s hard to find. In fact, it’s so dark at times that I find myself wondering if I’ve even found the silver lining or if it’s just a trick of the light. False hopes causing hallucinations. I know there’s a good side to this. I might not be able to find it for a while. Heck, it might even take some interpretation just to know what good came of it.

I’m a pessimist who likes to take people at their word. It causes conflicts. My natural pessimism believes everything’s going to go wrong. When I take people at their word I believe they can do what they say and deliver what they promise. It’s why I beat myself up when people let me down. My pessimism should have doubted from the beginning but something else keeps telling me to believe people. A little ray of hope, perhaps.

I don’t doubt enough. I try to take things at face value all the time. I try to believe in people. It’s hard when I get let down, when it turns out I’ve been lied to or things have been hidden from me. The part of me that tries to trust people gets hurt. It’s battered and bruised but it still wants to believe in people. I don’t get raging mad. I don’t fly off the handle. I don’t blow up. I just get hurt. My disappointment is palpable, forcing its way into my mind. I get angry with myself for believing people. I get frustrated that I didn’t see it before, that I should have seen it. There’s nothing I can do and nothing can make it better.

I’m always going to be like this, back and forth between optimism about people and pessimism about the nature of people. Sometimes one wins, sometimes the other. I’ll keep looking for the best and looking for the silver lining when the worst inevitably happens. It’s part of who I am.